MY WEEKLY BLOG<\/p>\n
I\u2019M SORRY<\/p>\n
I created a problem this week when I said something to A\u00a0friend that was thoughtless and judgmental. Of course I didn’t do it\u00a0deliberately, but I said it and it quickly careened back at me like a\u00a0boomerang. John Lennon wrote, \u201cInstant karma\u2019s going to get you.\u201d It got me. It
landed in my gut, I felt small and vulnerable and I kept going over it in my\u00a0mind.<\/p>\n
I have to admit that at first, I tried to justify it. I was\u00a0looking for a way out. If she hadn\u2019t done what she did, I told myself, I\u00a0wouldn\u2019t have said what I did. She\u2019s misinterpreting my meaning and she\u2019s being
judgmental. She doesn\u2019t understand me.<\/p>\n
I kept backtracking and making excuses for what I said until\u00a0I got to the truth that I didn\u2019t like. Her part in it didn’t matter. That was\u00a0for her to evaluate. My actions were all on me. I had spoken without thinking\u00a0it through and I had hurt someone I loved. In order to make things right, I would\u00a0have to swallow my pride, humble myself, apologize authentically without trying\u00a0to justify what I did and hope she would forgive me.<\/p>\n
Buddhist lama Bhante Dhammik says, \u201cTo apologize is to\u00a0express one\u2019s recognition and sorrow for having hurt another. Sometimes we
break one or another of our own guidelines that hurt or offend others. One way\u00a0we can make amends for this is to express our contrition to the person we have\u00a0hurt. Giving a sincere apology, without reservation or self-justification, is\u00a0one of the highest forms of generosity.\u201d<\/p>\n
My friend was more than gracious. She told me that I had\u00a0hurt her but since I had taken responsibility without reservation, she would
forgive me. I was relieved, but then came the really hard part \u2013 I had to\u00a0forgive myself. I take pride in being kind and listening well. I consider\u00a0myself an empathic person who cares about other people\u2019s feelings. Those things\u00a0are mostly true but I\u2019m also a flawed human being who goes off the skids sometimes and\u00a0doesn’t always do or say the right thing. This was hardly the first time I had\u00a0hurt someone\u2019s feelings and unfortunately, it will happen again. But the more\u00a0aware I become of my mistakes, the more I\u2019ll slow down and think before I speak.<\/p>\n
I was lucky. My friend forgave me, she remained present so\u00a0we could talk it through and I learned a lot. It doesn’t always go that but however it goes, the remedy is the same \u2013 shed the armor, admit to being a\u00a0flawed human being and allow a friend to work it out in his or her own time.\u00a0All that\u2019s left to do is be patient, forgive ourselves and embrace mindfulness\u00a0as a lifelong lesson.<\/p>\n
I believe that the way we treat ourselves is how we treat\u00a0other people. Outward blaming and shaming starts on the inside, the same place\u00a0where it can be acknowledged and healed. In my experience, apologies are\u00a0effective when we don’t make excuses for what we did or said. We don\u2019t say, \u201cIm sorry if I hurt you,\u201d \u00a0Instead we say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry that I hurt you.\u201d There are no double meanings there.\u00a0When we don\u2019t\u00a0blame the person, when we remove judgments and shame, inner and outer, from the\u00a0equation, we can find remorse, a loving way to refine our actions and move into
mindfulness. That allows us to find compassion for ourselves and forgiveness for what we did.<\/p>\n
Just like meditation encourages us to notice when we are\u00a0distracted and keep bringing ourselves back to our centers, so does a good
apology. When we say I\u2019m sorry, and I don’t resent other people or beat myself\u00a0up, when I refrain from making excuses and proving myself right, I can stop\u00a0hurting others and forgive people who have harmed me, too.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
MY WEEKLY BLOG I\u2019M SORRY I created a problem this week when I said something to A\u00a0friend that was thoughtless and judgmental. Of course I didn’t do it\u00a0deliberately, but I said it and it quickly careened back at me like a\u00a0boomerang. John Lennon wrote, \u201cInstant karma\u2019s going to get you.\u201d It got me. Itlanded in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":1960,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1961","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1961","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1961"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1961\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1960"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1961"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1961"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1961"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}