MY WEEKLY BLOG<\/p>\n
WHAT DO YOU REALLY MEAN?<\/p>\n
When I was writing my memoir, I discovered something unexpected.
In order to pen a memoir, you have to dig deep for specific details and images that\u00a0happened a long time ago. I did a pretty good job of recalling tastes, textures\u00a0and smells, I enjoyed the discovery, but what surprised me was my ability to\u00a0remember complete conversations from decades past. If you asked me right now to
tell you what I discussed when I was a teenager, I would have no recall \u2013 but\u00a0when I let my fingers fly across the keyboard, the words just appear.<\/p>\n
Maybe even more importantly, I remembered the spaces between
the words. A look that had no voice. A pause that came after a comma. A breath\u00a0at the end of a paragraph. There is a treasure trove of meaning in silence. Musician,\u00a0composer and poet Alfred Bendel said, \u201cThe word \u201clisten\u201d contains the same\u00a0letters as the word \u201csilent.\u201d<\/p>\n
When I ghostwrite, I do countless interviews and I don\u2019t\u00a0take written notes. I tape the conversation so I don’t have to look away from\u00a0my subject. I turn on the tape, I ask a question, I stay quiet and I watch someone\u00a0thinking. The truth is that I get more information from what they don\u2019t say\u00a0than from what they do say. Then, when I transcribe the tapes, I recall someone\u2019s\u00a0facial expressions, the way they tilted their head to one side and the way they\u00a0formed their words. I\u2019m able to use those things to capture the gist of what\u00a0they were trying to say and the voice in which they said it and that’s why they\u00a0trust me and feel safe opening up.<\/p>\n
This blog is about writing but it\u2019s also about active\u00a0listening so you can hear what someone isn\u2019t saying. How it feels to sit in the\u00a0stillness. And how badly it feels when someone won’t meet your eye. When\u00a0someone talks non-stop, I feel frustrated because in most cases, their meaning\u00a0doesn’t match their words. I was giving an interview online to a woman who\u00a0never took a breath at the end of a sentence. She just kept on talking. I\u00a0couldn’t get a word in, so when we were taking a break, I said, \u201cIf you would\u00a0pause at the end of your sentences, it would be easier for me to talk and\u00a0answer your questions.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don’t like pauses,\u201d she said quickly. \u201cJust interrupt
me.\u201d<\/p>\n
That isn’t my idea of a constructive conversation. Henry\u00a0David Thoreau said, \u201cIt takes two to speak the truth \u2013 one to speak and another\u00a0to hear.\u201d I was interviewing a rock and roll star about her relationships, when\u00a0I said, \u201cDo you feel good about your second marriage?\u201d She shook her head from\u00a0side of side, indicating \u201cno\u201d while she was saying, \u201cYes.\u201d So what should I pay\u00a0attention to? As we continued the interview, I realized that she didn’t want to\u00a0hurt the man about whom we were speaking by telling the truth. But I got the
message.<\/p>\n
There are so many reasons why people don\u2019t say what they\u00a0mean. I\u2019m not talking about deliberate lying. I\u2019m taking about omissions. The\u00a0things we want to say but we just can\u2019t. The times someone says \u201cyes\u201d when they\u00a0mean \u201cno\u201d or \u201cI can’t\u201d when they mean \u201cI won\u2019t.\u201d Maybe they don’t want to\u00a0expose their feelings or maybe they don’t want to hurt someone they care about.\u00a0But if you listen carefully, the meaning comes through.<\/p>\n
You know how it feels when someone doesn\u2019t meet your eyes\u00a0when they’re talking to you. I was introduced to a well known comedienne at one\u00a0of my book signings and when I said hello, she looked over my head and to the\u00a0right and left of me. FOMO. Fear Of Missing Out. She was afraid of missing\u00a0someone who was more important than I was.<\/p>\n
When my students write pieces and read them to the class, I\u00a0listen with complete attention in order to hear gaps, the places where words or\u00a0ideas are missing so I can point them out. If my attention wanders, (I have to\u00a0admit that it does once in a while,) I bring it back as soon as I catch it. My\u00a0students are counting on me to hear what they’re saying and guide them through\u00a0a gateway to deeper meaning. That makes paying attention crucial.<\/p>\n
I so appreciate a fine wordsmith, someone who has a command
of the language and can say what they mean in an economy of words. But sometimes,\u00a0words are inadequate to describe the full force of a feeling. While you\u2019re\u00a0anxiously waiting for a partner to say, \u201cI love you,\u201d he or she might already\u00a0be saying it in the silence. Words are powerful but a good pause in the right\u00a0place is golden.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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