When you say
\u201cyes\u201d to others, make sure you\u2019re not saying \u201cno\u201d to yourself.<\/p>\n
– – – Paul Coelho<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a popular\u00a0misconception that saying \u201cyes\u201d is spiritual and saying \u201cNo\u201d is not. But it\u2019s a\u00a0far more complex issue. Granted, there are times when saying yes is courageous and\u00a0the right thing to do, but saying \u201cNO\u201d can be just as courageous. At times,\u00a0even more so.<\/p>\n
Some years back, I\u00a0was writing a memoir for a legendary diva, rushing toward a deadline and trying\u00a0not to burn out. I\u2019d just finished dinner, I was exhausted and ready to shut my\u00a0eyes when I saw that there was a message on my voice mail. It was my client.\u00a0She must have called when I was in the shower and her voice was filled with
panic.<\/p>\n
\u201cCall me as soon\u00a0as you get this,\u201d she said. \u201cWe have to go over the fourth chapter. It needs\u00a0work.\u201d<\/p>\n
It was 9 PM, I\u2019d\u00a0written all day, I\u2019d shut down the computer and I wasn\u2019t about to start working\u00a0again. I went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and said, \u201cNo.\u201d I was\u00a0afraid if I didn\u2019t agree in a diva. But I also knew that if I kept working, it would be\u00a0diminishing returns. I ignore her message. I was anxious but I talked myselfdown. I brushed my teeth, I washed my face, I climbed under the covers and went\u00a0to sleep. The next morning, it was business as usual. She didn\u2019t say anything\u00a0about the night before and neither did I, but I had shown her that I wasn\u2019t the\u00a0hired help, that we were in this together and from then on, she treated me with\u00a0much more respect.<\/p>\n
Something happens when you see an A-list celebrity for the first time. Not on TV or in a movie. Their face is familiar even though you\u2019ve never met them and there\u2019s a \u201cwow\u201d factor as the two-dimensional image springs into a three-dimensional human being. Most of them have tangible charisma and it can be exciting. It\u2019s hard not to be intimidated when Diana Ross is humming along with her own music. When six-foot, nine-inch Magic Johnson walks into the conference room in his workout clothes and offers me his hand that\u2019s twice the size of mine. When Kenny Loggins plays me a soon to be recorded song and Grace Slick who I\u2019ve labeled \u201cthe mouth,\u201d meets me at her front door, looked me up and down and said, \u201cYou have blond hair, long legs and big tits. I hate women like you. Come on in.\u201d<\/p>\n
It’s difficult to\u00a0disagree with these powerful people I want to please them, but I have to do\u00a0what\u2019s best for the book and what will get the job done. When you say \u201cNo,\u201d an\u00a0interesting process occurs. The client thought they were immune to the human\u00a0condition, but they discover that they aren\u2019t. They thought that writing a\u00a0memoir would be an enjoyable task, that I would let them do whatever they want
\u2013 until they bang into a brick wall. Something in their past floors them, they\u00a0feel shame and they want to skip over it. I let them know it wouldn\u2019t be a good\u00a0idea. The statement, \u201cNO, that doesn\u2019t work,\u201d shocks them. They are surrounded\u00a0by \u201cYes\u201d men and women most of the time and they become defensive when someone doesn\u2019t
agree with them. They may be immensely talented, most of them are, but\u00a0inevitably, their initial enviable image is overpowered by reality. Their self-confidence\u00a0is replaced with awkwardness. \u201cWriting a memoir will be great fun\u201d turns out to\u00a0be confronting and upsetting as the actor in the movie or the musician behind\u00a0the guitar crumbles under the weight of not measuring up. Of spilling their\u00a0secrets. They\u2019re afraid of getting found out that they\u2019re not who the world
thinks they are. I find a way to be gentle but and as I encourage them to go\u00a0deeper, they realize that they\u2019re facing someone who will not back down and who\u00a0knows more than they do about the writing process.<\/p>\n
At some point,\u00a0sooner rather than later, they have to hand over the reins and when they face\u00a0the hard fall off the pedestal, they have to know that I\u2019m there to catch them.\u00a0They start to follow my directions and if they believe me when I tell them that\u00a0something doesn\u2019t work, they allow me to guide them through the maze of their\u00a0lives. When I see a book project wandering in the wrong direction, I have to calmly
guide them back to Square One. \u201cLet\u2019s try this again,\u201d I say. \u201cThe other way\u00a0didn\u2019t work, so we\u2019re going to do it this way.\u201d That\u2019s a different way of\u00a0saying no but it has the same effect.<\/p>\n
Saying \u201cNO\u201d doesn\u2019t\u00a0come easy for me. Like so many of my peers, I grew up with the messages that it\u00a0was best to be compliant, to go with the flow, to avoid speaking up. My mother taught\u00a0me that. When an agent was cheating me out of money I had earned, she\u00a0told me to ignore it. \u201cYou need him,\u201d she said. \u201cDon\u2019t go against the grain.\u201d<\/p>\n
But what if the\u00a0grain is detrimental and hazardous to your health? Last year, I said \u201cNO\u201d to a\u00a0longtime relationship with a friend who was draining my energy and when I\u00a0finally let her go, I felt great relief. I wish I had done the same with a man\u00a0who made my life miserable and a client of questionable ties to royalty who was
never satisfied. I let these situations go on for far too long and now I can\u2019t\u00a0go back. What I can do is see my behavior for what it is and develop the\u00a0strength to avoid agreeing with someone when I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Motivational speaker,\u00a0Iyanla Vanzant says, \u201cYour \u2018saying no\u2019 muscle has to be built up to be the\u00a0authentic you.<\/p>\n
In this \u201cMe, too,\u201d]\u00a0phase of our lives, we are bringing back and honoring some cliches that have\u00a0taken on new meaning.<\/p>\n
What part of NO do\u00a0you not understand?<\/p>\n
NO is a complete\u00a0sentence.<\/p>\n
NO means NO. It\u00a0doesn\u2019t mean YES.<\/p>\n
Mahatma Ghandi
said:\u00a0<\/p>\n
A \u201cNo\u201d utteredfrom deepest conviction is better and greater than a \u201cYes\u201d merely uttered to\u00a0please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
When you say\u201cyes\u201d to others, make sure you\u2019re not saying \u201cno\u201d to yourself. – – – Paul Coelho There\u2019s a popular\u00a0misconception that saying \u201cyes\u201d is spiritual and saying \u201cNo\u201d is not. But it\u2019s a\u00a0far more complex issue. Granted, there are times when saying yes is courageous and\u00a0the right thing to do, but saying \u201cNO\u201d can […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":2495,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2496","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2496","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2496"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2496\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2497,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2496\/revisions\/2497"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2495"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2496"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2496"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2496"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}