Some years ago, I was hiking in Ojai, California, when I came upon a crashing waterfall. It pounded against a scattering of boulders that had been polished over time into smooth surfaces. Bright green moss grew between the rocks and long arced branches of white oak trees shaded the area. I gazed at the flowing water, the sound was hypnotic, as my mind and body became still and quiet. I was drawn to get closer to the water. I stepped forward and my feet sunk into a muddy patch of earth up to my
ankles. I stepped back quickly. My feet were drenched up to my socks in mud and I brushed my shoes against a rock, trying to get the clumps of dirt off. How would I continue the rest of the hike like this? I wished I hadn’t stopped to look at the waterfall. The mud had ruined everything. I shouldn\u2019t have been
walking so close to the rocks. I should have known better. I was judging myself for not looking where I was going when I had a vision.<\/p>\n
In my mind\u2019s eye, I saw a judge in long black robes, sitting at his bench with a gavel in his hand. With every thought I had, he banged the gavel on his desk and said, \u201cThat\u2019s good. Or that\u2019s bad.\u201d Over and over. He was passing judgment on everything I was thinking. It made my head hurt. I felt anxious and I sat down on a large flat rock. My mind was working overtime.<\/p>\n
Author Anne Lamott wrote, \u201cMy mind is a bad neighborhood I try not to go into alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
Judging never ends well and I knew what I had to do. I addressed the judge out loud. \u201cThanks for your input but I don\u2019t need you right now. Why don\u2019t you go into your chambers, pour yourself a brandy and I\u2019ll call you when I need you?\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked disappointed. It was as if I heard him say, \u201cAre you sure? Who\u2019ll let you know if you\u2019re thinking clearly?\u201d<\/p>\n
I repeated myself. \u201cGo into your chambers, pour yourself a brandy and I\u2019ll call you when I need you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I watched him put down the gavel and walk out of the courtroom. He was gone and so was my anxiety. I took off my socks and I sat for a while. My mind was quiet. All I could hear was the lull of the waterfall, lightly splashing against the rocks. I felt peaceful . . . until my mind began to stray. It bobbed and weaved all over the place. It was like an orangutan, frenetically jumping from tree branch to tree branch, never stopping anywhere. It replayed conversations. Had I said the right thing? I thought about pieces I\u2019d written. Were they good or bad? It felt like I had a committee in my head, judging everything I did or said. Good or bad? Right or wrong?<\/p>\n
That was the judge\u2019s cue. The door to the bench opened and he came rushing back in. He was breathless. \u201cDo you need me now?\u201d he said. He grabbed his gavel, getting ready.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot now,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you sure? It looks like you could use a little help.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI really don\u2019t,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
And he was gone again.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know about you but if I let my mind loose, I find myself judging a lot of the time. I think it\u2019s human nature but it\u2019s painful and it leaves me feeling badly about myself. I can\u2019t do everything right, whatever \u201cright\u201d means, but I can become aware of my thoughts and keep bringing myself back to my breath. I can become aware of what I\u2019m thinking and learn about what works for me and what doesn\u2019t. Even though my mind seems to drift naturally into a painful place, I can investigate my thoughts
and I can change my mind and pull it back. It\u2019s simple but it isn\u2019t easy to stop blaming, shaming and judging. When you judge yourself, you\u2019re causing yourself unnecessary harm. When you judge someone else, it doesn\u2019t define who they are. It defines who you are.<\/p>\n
I think that when we judge other people, we\u2019re trying to justify our own behavior. We are trying to prove ourselves right when there is no right or wrong. We can punish ourselves endlessly for everything we do, we can feel anxious and fearful, or we can forgive instead, and find some peace and understanding in what feels like an upside down world.<\/p>\n
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Some years ago, I was hiking in Ojai, California, when I came upon a crashing waterfall. It pounded against a scattering of boulders that had been polished over time into smooth surfaces. Bright green moss grew between the rocks and long arced branches of white oak trees shaded the area. I gazed at the flowing […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":2828,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2829","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2829","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2829"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2829\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2830,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2829\/revisions\/2830"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2828"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2829"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2829"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.andreacagan.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2829"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}