The following is a true story. It’s my first memory:
I was five years old and I dreamt I was in the kitchen of my childhood home when I heard a roar that was so loud and terrifying, I put my hands over my ears. A massive lion was pacing at the other end of the room. The thick yellow and dark brown mane encircling his powerful neck was wet with drool that was spilling down his huge fangs. His eyes were inky and a tuft of thick black hair stood upright at the end of his long bushy tail.
I was terrified. I turned to the door behind me and reached for the doorknob but it was just out of my reach. I faced the lion again. He
was baring his teeth but I suddenly knew that I was dreaming. If I could figure out how to wake up, the fear would be gone. I’d had falling dreams and I always woke up before I hit the ground. I’d had drowning dreams and I always woke up before I got pulled under. It seemed that my dreams always ended before I perished. Why would this be any different?
I gathered all my courage and I crouched down on the kitchen tiles, rolled up into a tight ball, covered my head with my hands and waited for the beast to attack. I heard the raspy inhale, I felt a blast of hot wind and I smelled the musky scent as he flew into the air. A moment later, I woke up in the kitchen. I had faced my fear, I had survived, and I never forgot about it.
Fear was always around in my childhood. My mother lived a fear-based life, afraid of so many things like running out of money or getting hit by a car every time she crossed the street. When she stepped off the curb, she yelled, “Watch it!” and scared everyone around her “The whole world is dangerous,” she once said. That was my programming and I didn’t want to be like her but maybe I am. I have a long list of my own fears.
When I’m driving to an unfamiliar place, I’m afraid I won’t find it.
When I write, I’m afraid I’ll hit a wall and get stuck.
When I have to speak in public about a book I’ve written, I’m afraid I won’t find the words.
When I need tospeak up about something that’s bothering me, I’m afraid the other person will get offended.
Does that make me a fear based vperson? It really doesn’t matter. There’s no use in naming it or blaming myself for it. Judging how I feel is an act of aggression against myself. Facing fear requires nurturing in the present moment. It requires a commitment not to shame yourself but rather to treat yourself with kindness and compassion during a difficult time. If you broke your leg, would you bang it against the wall repeatedly and expect it to heal?
In 2016, I was craving community so I decided to gather my friends together and teach a writing class. I put the word out and the class filled up quickly. I was glad about that, but the more work I did to plan it and the closer it got, the more I was afraid. When I was
in the ballet, great performers weren’t always great teachers. I’d written more than a dozen books but that didn’t mean I’d be a good teacher. I had worked with writers one on one, but I had never taught a group. What if I ran out of things to say? What if I didn’t know as much as I needed to know? What if I rattled on about nothing and humiliated myself?
When my students were sitting on couches and chairs around my living room, I faced them for the first time and told them how scared I was. They told me they were scared, too. They were afraid that they would write badly or get nothing on the page. When I realized we were all fellow travelers who were facing our fears, I felt so much better. I explained what writing meant to me. How it helped me process my life and find comfort. I told them that for me, writing was a meditation and I was amazed that I could answer all their questions. If I had allowed my fear to stop me and cancel the class, I would have missed out on one of the most nurturing parts of my life. The class has continued up to today and we have created a community where we can speak about absolutely anything and no one judges anyone or tells anyone else what to do. We all just listen.
Georgia O’Keeffe who is known as the mother of American modernism, said: “I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life and I’ve never let it stop me from doing a single thing I wanted
to do.”
When the world feels out of control like it so often does these days, and you find yourself slipping into fear, closing your heart and shaming yourself is not the answer. Making a commitment
to stop judging and start soothing will help more than you can imagine. If you can take your own hand, walk yourself through the darkness and stop shaming and shoving yourself around, you’ll come out the other side as a kinder and more loving person.
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