In the late eighties, I did volunteer work for AIDS patients and one of the trials people went through in their last days was their difficulty to ask for help and to receive it graciously.
The late Stephen Levine said, “What the world needs is more good receivers.”
I understand. I grew up early in life. I left home for Washington, DC to seriously study ballet when I was 14 and I lived alone from then on. I had to take care of myself because needing something from someone else felt risky. What if there was no one there to give me what I needed? I better learn to be independent. I began to believe it was shameful to need anything from someone else. That was what my father believed. But that made my relationships unbalanced and I’ve had to train myself to
become as good at receiving as I am at giving.
In my writing classes, after we write our pieces, we read them out loud. One day, one of my students wrote a glowing piece about another student. When she read it to all of us, it was so complimentary
and loving, the other woman looked devastated. She was having trouble hearing it, and when it was through, instead of receiving the compliments, she began talking about her unworthiness. I interrupted her. I rarely do that in my classes but the giver looked so dejected, I said, “How about just saying, ‘Thank you?’”
My mother had no capacity to receive. When my sister and I or even my father gave her a gift at any time, birthdays and Hanukkah included, she sent it back.
Her microwave was being held together with tape and rubber bands. I sent her a new one. She sent it back.
“The one I have works perfectly fine.”
My father gave her a beautiful nightgown from Nieman Marcus. She sent it back.
“It’s a waste. All I’ll be doing is
sleeping in it.”
My sister sent her a cashmere sweater from Saks Fifth Avenue. She sent it back.
“I have plenty of sweaters.”
I was trying to figure out what to give her for her birthday one year, but since she didn’t seem to like anything, I decided to send her flowers. Who doesn’t like flowers? My mother didn’t. She told me never to send her flowers again. They were a waste of money because they died. I was sorry I had bothered.
My mother didn’t think about how her rejection was affecting us. I know it’s debatable whether or not you should keep a gift if it’s something you don’t like, but for me, I choose to receive it and say thank you, no matter what it is. It makes the giver feel good and I feel like I’m giving something back.
We’ve all heard the following responses when someone can’t receive a gift.
“You did such a good job.”
“It wasn’t me. It was a group
effort.”
“The meal you made was so delicious.”
“It was a fluke. I really can’t cook.”
And the most famous of all:
“I love your dress.”
“This old thing?”
Receiving heals us. Sometimes, when someone is ill, we feel helpless and when we give them something, we want to know it means something to them. All we want is to see them feeling good as we place our attention on something or someone besides ourselves. We forget about Number
One for a while and that is its own reward, one of the secret weapons of healing and recovery. Becoming a good receiver means that you are seeing the bigger picture of life in which we all give and take, love and receive love, and keep our eye on the prize – leading a happy and balanced life. If we’re truly connected to each other rather than being isolated, we can see that when someone gives something to us, when we appreciate it and receive it with grace, it makes everyone feel satisfied.
When you are not willing to receive, you are training the Universe not to give it to you.
. . . T. Harv Eker
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